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“It just never works to be in contact with my mother,” said my client as she started our session, wiping away tears. “I don’t want to cut her out of my life completely, but I can’t keep going back to be sniped at again and again.”

This client and I had already strategized ways to talk to mother assertively, addressing the hurtful comments, to no avail. Her mother flatly refused to admit fault or change her behavior.

Our next step was to set strong boundaries of self- protection in specific ways. Here’s a list of ways to do just that. If you have a difficult person in YOUR family, ask yourself:

• Do I want to limit phone calls? Yes/no
  
• If yes, how many per week/month/year? _________per _________________________
• Do I want to limit time of day I answer the phone?  Yes/no
• If so, what are my limits? __________________________________________________
• Do I want to limit the amount of time we talk? Yes/no
• If so, what’s the limit? _____________________________________________________
• Do I want to limit time we spend face to face?  Yes/no
• If so, what’s that going to look like? __________________________________________
• Do I want to remove myself when they are inebriated or otherwise inappropriate? Yes/no
• Do I want to acknowledge birthdays and holidays?  Yes/no
• If so, how?       Card          phone call               visit with others present                 visit alone
• Other ways to protect myself: ______________________________________________________________________________

Let’s discuss your answers in our next session. Together we CAN find ways to protect YOU.

Always begin with a visit to your doctor or health care provider to ensure that there is not an underlying medical cause to your symptoms. Don’t self-diagnose.

Panic attack symptoms include:

• Shortness of breath
• Tightness in the chest
• Rapid heartbeat
• Inability to relax
  • NOTE: since these can be symptoms of other medical emergencies, DON’T self-diagnose. Seek emergency medical care if this is the first time you’ve experienced this

What Can I Do To Cope?

• RATE the panic on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning not bad at all, up to 10 meaning, call an ambulance! Anything we can MEASURE we can start to control.
• ACCEPT, don’t fight. Fighting increases the bodily symptoms.
• ASK yourself: what’s the worst that could happen here? How would I handle it?
• BREATHE normally and naturally. Pay attention to your breath.
• FOCUS on an object in the room. See it, describe it to yourself. This helps orient you in the present moment reality.
• TIME the attack (measuring again). Note how little time it actually lasts.
• NOTICE if the attacks are happening in a certain location or at a certain time (“cued” attacks.) When it passes, get out a piece of paper and write about that place or time. BE A SCIENTIST about your panic—objective, measuring, curious.
• TAKE your writings to your counselor to further explore the causes of the panic.
• REMEMBER that overcoming panic is not a matter of willpower. It is a malfunction of brain chemistry which can be helped by cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication. Medication takes away the SYMPTOM but not the CAUSE. Therapy helps get to the root of the problem.

Remember that a panic attack won’t hurt your physically. Although it’s very uncomfortable, your body will continue to breathe and function through it. Relaxing even a small amount and observing what’s happening will give you a much-needed distance and perspective.

1. Push for quick involvement: comes on very strong, pressures for an exclusive commitment almost immediately

2. Jealousy: Excessively possessive: calls constantly, visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone:” checks your mileage

3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely, especially if you’re late, about whom you talked to and where you were. Keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses your supporters of “causing trouble;” deprives you of a phone or car.

6. Blames others: for his problems and mistakes: The boss, you—it’s always someone else’s’ fault.

7. Makes everyone else responsible for his feelings: says, you make me angry” instead of “I AM angry,” or, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.

8. Hypersensitivity: Easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he is really mad; rants about things that are just part of life.

9. Cruel to animals or children: kills or punishes animals brutally; expects children to do things that are beyond their ability, i.e. whips a two year old for wetting a diaper; teases children until they cry. SIXTY FIVE PERCENT OF ABUSERS WHO HIT THEIR PARTNER WILL ALSO HIT CHILDREN.

10. “Playful” use of force during sex: enjoys throwing you down, holding you down against your will; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. Verbal abuse: constant criticism, says cruel or hurtful things; degrades, curses you, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. Rigid gender roles: expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. Sudden mood swings: switches from sweetly loving to explosive in a matter of minutes.

14. Past battering: admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation was to blame.

15. Threats of violence: makes statements like “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses it with “everybody talks that way, you’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t mean it.”

IF IT HAS COME THIS FAR, GET HELP OR GET OUT.

From the Project for Victims of Family Violence, Lafayette, ARK

If you’ve never talked to a counselor, social worker, or psychologist—and you should ONLY put your life in the hands of a licensed professional– it may seem like a mysterious process. What actually happens in there? Why can’t I just talk to my buddy instead?

Let’s take those questions one at a time.

Should I go to therapy?

If you think you might need to, that’s a good indicator that you should give it a try. There’s no commitment made in the first session; it’s a time to tell your story, get some feedback and a sense of your therapist’s personality, ask questions about how they work, then go home and make your decision.

There’s a saying that those who don’t study history are condemned to repeat it. Therapy is a place to recount your history and hear about new ideas: new ways to think about your life, new responses to replace your old ones that aren’t working. I am extensively educated to help you with that.

What actually happens in there?

There will be paperwork, of course, including a written explanation of the privacy laws that govern licensed therapists. For example, you can tell me anything and keep it private, with these exceptions:

If you use insurance, your company has the right to your chart.

If you say you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else, I have to contact authorities.

If you say a child or elder has been or is being abused, I have to report this information as well.

I will take a history of the important events in your life, hear about your current challenges, and possibly have you fill out some tests to get a better diagnosis of your problem. In future sessions, I will give you a Plan of Care that outlines our work together.

Why can’t I just talk to my buddy instead?

Friends are not unbiased, trained, objective, or equipped to help challenge and change your thinking. Talking to a friend without professional feedback just keeps the problem going in circles. We are governed by strict codes so that we can’t be your friend, business associate, or anything else that would complicate your care.

If you would like to explore therapy with me, I welcome your questions! Call today for an appointment.

“What is it?”

Although the specific diagnosis is complicated, these symptoms may indicate signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder: craving for carbohydrates, excessive sleeping, lack of energy, weight gain, and all of the symptoms of depression that go along with it: excessive guilt, irritability and others.

“Who’s at risk?”

People who live at higher latitudes have a higher risk, as do people already diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Younger people are more at risk than older ones. Regardless of these factors, anyone can suffer with symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. ONLY A LICENSED HEALTH PROFESSIONAL can make this diagnosis!

“What makes it worse?”

Having the short days of winter upon us right after the overspending, overeating, and family time of the holidays can contribute to the exhaustion we feel. Less daytime light to feed our vitamin D needs is also a factor, as is less stimulation of the glands that provide serotonin production. Making New Years’ Resolutions can make you feel ineffective and hopeless if you are depressed; postpone until spring.

“What makes it better?”

Getting outside, even 20 minutes a day, without sunglasses. This exposes you to unfiltered light.

Leaving lights on inside the house, and drapes open to outside light.

Light boxes (available online) specifically designed for Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Therapy to offer support and new ways of viewing your world, and to prevent worsening of depression.

Exercise, exercise, exercise: again, 20 minutes a day helps. Exercise can be a ‘magic bullet’ for depression and anxiety relief! If it’s bad weather, walk at a mall or a gym.

“How can a therapist help me?”

A therapist can hold you accountable for putting these helps into place in your life, as well as help you examine how you think when depressed and challenge that faulty thinking. There’s no need to go at life alone, and untreated depression is indeed dangerous. There IS help!

You Won’t Change, So I Must Be Doing Something Wrong:

A Quick Look at Codependency

Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

Being in relationship with an alcoholic, addict, or otherwise out of control person often causes behavior traits to emerge that cause great misery for the “helper.” I often see this person in my office, who comes in wanting to know how to change their loved one. Unfortunately, we cannot change another adult, and efforts to do so usually make the addict resist control by going deeper into their addiction.

The Mistaken Beliefs of Codependents:

“If I AM: good enough/nice enough/skinny enough/vigilant enough/accommodating enough/loud enough/upset enough…

“If I say it enough times in enough different ways…

“If I give enough money/withhold enough money, give sex/withhold sex, pout, criticize, get you out of bed in the mornings, do all the irrational things you demand…

THEN YOU WILL BECOME THE PERSON I WANT YOU TO BE.

You will do what I think you need to do to fix your life, our relationship.

You won’t drink/cheat/use drugs/yell/hit/get mad at me.

You will appreciate me.

If I do all of the above and you STILL DON’T become the person I want you to be, then I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I FEEL GUILTY.

I keep doing these things because I believe it will make you/others/God pleased with me. You/others/God will admire me for my sacrifice. This is what makes me worthy.

I know exactly what YOU think, feel, and need, and why. I can analyze you endlessly.

I have no idea what I think, feel, or need, or why. And I am uncomfortable when my counselor asks me to be still, listen to myself, journal, dig deeper, try new things that might make me happy, set a boundary with you.

I would much rather figure out what’s wrong with YOU than look at ME.

Always begin with a visit to your doctor or health care provider to ensure that there is not an underlying medical cause to your symptoms. Don’t self-diagnose.

Panic attack symptoms include:

• Shortness of breath
• Tightness in the chest
• Rapid heartbeat
• Inability to relax*

*(NOTE): since these can be symptoms of other medical emergencies, DON’T self-diagnose. Seek emergency medical care if this is the first time you’ve experienced this)

What Can I Do To Cope?

• RATE the panic on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning not bad at all, up to 10 meaning, call an ambulance! Anything we can MEASURE we can start to control.

• ACCEPT, don’t fight. Fighting increases the bodily symptoms.

• ASK yourself: what’s the worst that could happen here? How would I handle it?

• BREATHE normally and naturally. Pay attention to your breath.

• FOCUS on an object in the room. See it, describe it to yourself. This helps orient you in the present moment reality.

• TIME the attack (measuring again). Note how little time it actually lasts.

• NOTICE if the attacks are happening in a certain location or at a certain time (“cued” attacks.) When it passes, get out a piece of paper and write about that place or time. BE A SCIENTIST about your panic—objective, measuring, curious.

• TAKE your writings to your counselor to further explore the causes of the panic.

• REMEMBER that overcoming panic is not a matter of willpower. It is a malfunction of brain chemistry which can be helped by cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication.  Medication takes away the SYMPTOM but not the CAUSE. Therapy helps get to the root of the problem.

Remember that a panic attack won’t hurt your physically. Although it’s very uncomfortable, your body will continue to breathe and function through it. Relaxing even a small amount and observing what’s happening will give you a much-needed distance and perspective.

“Why is getting along with my mother so hard?” said my client, sighing deeply as she wiped away tears in session. “I feel anxious all of the time, I’m depressed, and I can’t even hear her sigh of disapproval on the phone without wanting to run and hide. What am I doing wrong?”

The tendency to feel like everything is your fault, and that YOU are in fact the one “doing something wrong”, is typical of the child of a narcissistic parent. Karyl McBride, PhD* also notes the following symptoms:

1. feeling “not good enough”
2. valued by your parent for what you DO, not who you are
3. feeling unlovable
4. constantly trying to win your parent’s approval
5. your parent emphasizes how your behavior LOOKS, or makes them look, over how you FEEL
6. your parent is jealous of you
7. your parent doesn’t support your healthy expressions of self, especially when it conflicts with their own needs or threatens them
8. In your family, it’s always about pleasing that one parent
9. your parent can’t empathize with you
10. your parent is critical and judgmental

There is typically a family “scapegoat,” a person on whom the family blames the problems. “If only Jane wouldn’t cross Mother…if only she would call her more often…THEN Mother wouldn’t get so upset.”

The truth of the matter is, a parent who is narcissistic is always going to be looking for ways that the “scapegoat” lets them down. This parent’s attitude is not, “what have you done for me,” but instead “what have you done for me TODAY?” It truly is never enough to get the “scapegoated” child off the hook.

Freedom comes when, with the guidance and encouragement of your therapist, you begin to gently challenge these things in the family and express your own needs.

*Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“I just can’t do ANYTHING right,” my client sighed as she settled further into the couch. ‘I should just accept that I am fat, depressed and a failure at relationships. Nothing will help me.”

And as long as she chooses to continue talking to, and about, herself that way, she WILL be overweight, depressed and alone, and most importantly, unable to change, regardless of her therapist’s skills. For the fact is that every cell in our body responds to what we think and say about ourselves.

Although most of us are familiar with the “love our neighbors as ourselves” directive, we miss the meaning of the last part. Most of us wouldn’t dream of calling our neighbor names or criticizing them point-blank to their faces, yet we look in the mirror and do it to ourselves every day. We feel compassion for our friend’s struggles with food, relationships or other issues, yet we are merciless and impatient with our own. Self love is a vital key to health, and self condemnation the thing that most often keeps us from our goals. For instance, if you are having trouble ending an unhealthy relationship, AND you “beat yourself up” for your “weakness,” we now have THREE issues to overcome—the relationship, the self loathing, AND the damage done to your self image by the insult! Self love, forgiveness for our mistakes, and patience with our failures leads to the strength and discipline necessary to move forward into a healthy, balanced life.

To become your own encourager and best friend requires a deep examination of who taught you to be self-critical in the first place. Where did the “I’m not OK” message come from? It is most often from one of two sources—either what was said about you by your parent, or what a parent said about themselves in front of you. If you heard negativity modeled in your growing up years, the pattern was set for you to live that way as well. Children really do learn what they live. But like any learned behavior, this thinking pattern can be changed; sometimes by yourself, and sometimes with the help of a counselor if the pattern is persistent or severe.

To remain vital and healthy in your thinking throughout your lifetime, practice catching yourself when you are saying or thinking self-critical things. Immediately visualize a big red STOP sign to interrupt the pattern. Replace the self-criticism with a positive, encouraging thought, such as “I’m proud of myself for trying to change.”

 If you focus on what you DON”T like about yourself, you will get more of it, but focusing on the successes in your life will lead to more success. Congratulate yourself on victories, whether it’s a ten minute walk when you really just wanted to watch television, or keeping your temper in traffic.

All of us respond to love and encouragement, including when we give it to ourselves. Give yourself the gift of acceptance!

1. Protect the children. Children have a deep psychological need to think well of BOTH parents. Avoid letting them hear you put down or say bad things about the other parent, regardless of how justified you feel in saying these things.

2. Depend on the experts. Well- meaning friends and family will give you legal and psychological advice; that’s not a good source. Thank them for their concern and move on.

3. Avoid other drastic life changes. Make your life as stable as possible right now. Try to keep sleeping and eating on a schedule. See your doctor and/or counselor immediately if these are disrupted for more than a week or so-depression and anxiety may take hold if basic needs are ignored.                                    

4. Take a Divorce Parenting class as soon as possible. When I taught this class, the comment I heard most often was, “why didn’t someone tell me to take this sooner?” You will find help and support there. Ask your attorney for more information.                   

5.  Maintain professionalism at work. It is natural for your focus to be disrupted, but strictly limit the amount of time you spend on email or conversation about your divorce.

6. Lay it down sometimes. Take a break and play with your kids. Go see a funny movie. Let your mind rest. If the worries persist, promise yourself you will go back to worrying about the issues later that day, then return to the fun.

7.  Limit contact with your ex-spouse. You are not obligated to endure any conversations that your attorney does not require of you. Make your contact brief and limited only to necessary details of custody issues.

8. Observe your breathing. Under stress, our breathing often becomes shallow. This leads our muscles to tense up and puts the whole body on constant alert. Put a sticker or an object around your workplace and use it as a reminder to breathe deeply.

9.  Stand up for yourself.  It’s time to say “I need, I feel” or “no, I can’t do that.” Maybe this is new behavior for you.  A counselor who has been specifically trained in divorce (not marital) counseling can teach you how to detach and communicate in a civil manner that protects the dignity and rights of both parties.

10. Finally, remember: this WILL pass. You are currently experiencing one of the hardest life experiences there is. Keep your focus firmly on the hope of a peaceful outcome and take care of yourself in the meantime.